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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?