give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
SCARY COSTUME
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.