I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope