*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If snakes were wide
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad