Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Bros before Ohioes
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”