I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob