I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
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I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Yeah. This was me today.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.