SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
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I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.