Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
You Might Also Like
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.