I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
There are no pants in heaven.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅