Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington