What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.