“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
CUTE CAT‼︎
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Rather alarming headline…
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
lol
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.