BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Only short people can save us
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
CRYING
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Why am I like this?