me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.