Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.