“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
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30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals