Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes