I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
You Might Also Like
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
#dalle2
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*