7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Confused owl: What?!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*