Lucky for them, they’re cute
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HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey