I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it