My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.