I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
A ghost story
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month