everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
The three genders.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*