Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
#math
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Two types of dogs.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?