It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them