When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
#ParentingFacts
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?