My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
thanks auntie mary
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun