*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter