me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes