Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I think this should do it.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
#Caturday
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale