I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.