I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Well well well…
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt