People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
crying
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
me after drinking all the wine:
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.