My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You Might Also Like
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
One of the best
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.