I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
You Might Also Like
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.