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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.