My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You Might Also Like
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda