Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I would like even faster food.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….