She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Everyone’s family
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.