“Theirye’re” problem solved
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Hello Twits.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Two types of dogs.