Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
The hardest thing Vision has to do