Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Okay
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳