A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
One venti cheeseburger please.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this