“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.