Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Finished stitching this today 😇
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated