I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Body by Oreos
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
😍😂🥰😂😍
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.