Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.