ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period